oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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