Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
