your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
