you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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