I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
