Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
