Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
