If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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