dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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