I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
