Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
