I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
