I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We left an ass print on the piano.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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