Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
