I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
