just tell him i said nine months
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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