Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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