I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
