ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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