I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
