my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
