im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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