the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
