this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
