I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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