i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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