i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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