Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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