So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
