how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
