I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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