Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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