Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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