Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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