Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
