It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
