He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
