Your face is a jimmy john
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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