I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
