I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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