I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
