Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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