doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
