I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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