hotel room ftw
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
