Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
