you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And then my night got REAL pukey
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
