IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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