How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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