I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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