If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He shit in the fireplace
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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