i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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