Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
