I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
